A Eulogy

Anxiety was a bodyguard while depression was more like a trusted friend. They both showed up when I had nothing and in their overprotective ways, gave me the safety I so sorely lacked. While they were wonderful partners in my time of need, they are no longer needed, which is why they have passed over to the other side. I would like to thank them both for their service and pay tribute to their endless years of friendship, companionship, and in their own strange ways, love.

I’m not sure who showed up first—Anxiety or Depression. I’d like to think Anxiety was always there but I never noticed him, and like a good bodyguard, he has saved my life countless times. I came to trust him with my secrets, my innermost fears, and when the emotion arose, the sweetest, most fleeting of joys.

No matter what life threw at me, Anxiety was always there looking out for me. He always had my back. He’d execute contingency plans whenever it looked like I was in trouble and even when I wasn’t, simply because he cared. He wanted the best for me. He was always on the lookout for danger. Any little thing could set him off. But as difficult as that was, he always protected me… or at least that’s what he thought he was doing. He’s sweet that way.

As I grew older, Anxiety went from a mere bodyguard to an overprotective boyfriend. He loved me, you see, so he had to protect me at all costs. And I loved him too because he made life and everything in it so safe for me. He took care of me and I never left his arms, although I did try multiple times.

Anxiety wasn’t handsome. He worried too much. But his arms were strong and steady, a girl could lie forever in his embrace. And he really did care. Maybe a bit too much.

Depression must’ve come a little later because I remember being a panicky kid but I only remember being profoundly sad in my teens. And while Anxiety was the overprotective boyfriend, Depression was the energy-sucking girlfriend. Possessive too, because she always wanted me to think about her and nothing else.

I spent a lot of time with Depression. I gave her the best years of my life. In a strange way, I don’t really mind because she was beautiful and seductive and knew all the right words to say and all the right spots to hit.

Depression was an intellectual powerhouse. She made me think. She made me question things. She was, naturally, a pessimist, but she opened my eyes to the cruel ways of the world. She also lied a lot, as I was about to discover. Yet she loved me in her own way. I loved her too.

As time went on, Depression became my trusted companion. Like Anxiety, she was always by my side, but instead of protecting me, she gave me the gift of knowledge. She also wanted me to be safe, especially from that cruel temptress Happiness, who only came one fleeting moment and then left, leaving only an empty void. Well, Depression was always there to fill that void.

I had come to rely on her as much as she had come to rely on me, and with Anxiety with us, we formed an inseparable trio. We went everywhere together. We did everything together. And we thought we’d always be there for each other until the day we died.

Well, that was not to be.

I’m not sure who died first, Anxiety or Depression. They both fought bravely for their lives, I can tell you that much. And I’m sure they both loved me when they died, in their strange, counterintuitive ways.

‘I was only trying to protect you,’ said Anxiety.
‘I only wanted to comfort you,’ said Depression.
‘We’ve been together for so long, so why can’t you let us stay?’ They both asked.

I turned to both of them as they lay on their deathbeds. Huh. Even in death, Anxiety still took up guard while Depression smiled that sweet, achingly beautiful smile. I’m going to miss them, I think, but I can’t let them stay.

‘Thank you for being there for me.’ I said. ‘You’ve been there during my darkest days and even in some of my happier moments, and I honestly couldn’t have done it without the both of you. But things have changed. I’ve changed. And the thing is, you… haven’t. You’ve stayed the same and you want everything to stay the same, and that’s just not possible. The world is changing all the time and we have to change with it.’

‘But why?’ They asked. ‘Why must you change? Why must we? We had a good time together, didn’t we?’
I smiled through teary eyes. ‘Yeah, we did.’
‘We can have more good times.’
‘I wish we could. I honestly do, but we both know we can’t.’
We argued like that for much longer than any of us would’ve liked, but in the end, they both knew they had to go.

Anxiety held me in his arms one last time. They had weakened considerably—he had stopped going to the gym—but I still felt the familiar protectiveness in his embrace. It was now too restrictive for me and I soon let him go. I smiled as I watched him fade. He still wasn’t handsome. He still worried too much. I hope he finds the peace that he’s been looking for. That we’ve been looking for.

Depression gave me one final kiss. It was bittersweet. All that we’ve been through, the ups and the downs—mostly the downs—the longings and wantings, tryings and hurtings, they were all expressed in that one kiss. She was still so seductive. How could I give her up? Yet I knew that if I didn’t, she would continue to sap away all my energy so I, too, let her go.

I was free. Free at last. But I’ll never forget them. And in a way, a little piece of me will always love them, just like they loved me.